and I can see shadows
swirling through
the concrete walls
everywhere.
I can feel my toes
against the sheets
and the blanket
on my chest
and the cool night air
creeping through
the open window
by my head.
I can hear a truck
changing gears
down the road
maybe the driver
is listening
to the late show
on Capital Radio
and thinking
about his girlfriend
and his little boy
back home.
I can hear you
sleeping
next to me
and realise
there is
nowhere else
I’d rather be.
That’s how
lucky
I am.
(by Jean-Michel K.)
13 comments:
I really like the clear descriptions you give.
hot...love that you described everything around and then brought it back home...no, no where else i would rather be either...nice one shot!
Sweet, loving work. It got a little abstract and rambly near th end (the parts with the truck and the radio), but otherwise you nailed it.
Forgive me if I sound critical, it's meant in a constructive, respectful, honest, possibly-make-you-a-better-writer way. . . some writer groups tend to fawn way too much on their authors, and that doesn't help ANYBODY, does it?
You have good work here, a few line cuts would make it perfect. Ultimately, it's your work, though, so I'm not offended if you ignore/decide against my suggestions.
Always a pleasure, my friend. :)
tenderly touchy..sweet description and great ending..passionate one shot.:)
Humbly I agree with Steve. Yet I do think that this is a beautiful piece as a whole. Love and Light, Sender
Oh how sweet this is... wanting no where else to be...
that's happiness, that's peace
;)
Jean.. very nice one.. thanks
ॐ नमः शिवाय
Om Namah Shivaya
Twitter: @VerseEveryDay
Blog: http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com
Enjoyed your poem and tend to agree with Steve's feedback. Nice job!
Very very sweet... :) ~April
Hi everyone, thanks for the comments and the critical feedback. It's very helpful. Cheers.
Way to bring it home! Who wouldn't want a poem like this written about them?! Awesome one shot.
Indeed. There is no place like home with your loved ones!
a great one shot share...cheers pete
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